All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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