bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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