Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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