i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
