I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.