is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
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I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
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You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again