you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
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The feeling are messing with the penis
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out