1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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