the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
