Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
