I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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