just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
