Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
