I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
