Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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