my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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