My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....