quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
are you so shy because you have an std?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
