So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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