I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
