I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
