Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
