Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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