Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
