now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
my poor anus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
