idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
