Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
