I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
