Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
