WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
