You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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