Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
