separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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