life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
