this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
