I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
