I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
