I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
