I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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