new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
