operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
