shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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