I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
