Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
