Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
