There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Less talking, more tequila
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
