My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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