dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
