Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
