Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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