Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
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She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
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Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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