party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
