True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
