I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
