I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
