So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
