Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
