I skipped work to stalk him.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.