I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD