I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
