I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
