Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
