To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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