I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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